Pamela in Pink

Question: So there are a couple things I need help on, all revolving around this guy named Luke. He’s a freshman. I’m 12 and I’m in seventh grade. I’ve had another freshman boyfriend, but not at all like Luke. Luke has done more than just kissing. Second base, not all the way, if you know what I mean.

So I was talking to him, and he said he wanted me to be his first; the farthest I’ve ever gone was kissing. I’m not ready, and he knows that. I am so confused about that. He said he’d be a total ass if he made me. He knows exactly how I feel because I guess he has friends that this has happened to.

I didn’t know if I trusted him so I made a fake account on a website. He told this “girl” (who was actually me) he was in a relationship and he had a feeling they were going to end soon and he hasn’t talked to “her” in three weeks.

I like him a lot.

Sarah, 12

Answer: Hi Sarah,

Thanks for your question.

I usually have to think very hard about what I’m going to say when I give my advice, but I knew instantly when I read your question what to tell you. It seems that this guy Luke is only after sex. You are 12 and, as you say, are not ready to have sex or even go beyond kissing, so you should make it very clear to him that you are not going to be doing anything with him sexually. I know you like him a lot, but if you have sex with him just because you want him to like you or not leave you, then you will regret it. If he really likes you then he will respect you decision. However, I have a feeling that when you tell him you will not have sex with him, he will find someone else who will. Further evidence of this is when you created a fake profile on the website and his response was to act shady about your relationship just to hook up with another girl. But don’t be too sad if what I’m saying happens, because I’m sure you’d rather be with someone who likes you enough to wait until you’re older and ready to take such a big step. You need to find someone who respects you as much as you respect yourself.

Good luck!

Pamela

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Question: My best friend and I have been friends for 4 years. But sometimes I feel like I’m being copied – my favorite soda is Sprite, so is hers; my favorite color WAS blue, and it was hers. I got a Blackberry, and she gets one. It may be normal to have things in common, but everything I do, get, have, or want, she has to, too!

I was always okay with it, but that was because I always had everything – now she’s getting them too. So I feel like now I have to fight for attention with her. Every time I try to explain something to her she always goes, “Yea, yea. Whatever.”

Now I still want to be friends, but I can’t take it anymore!! Not to mention she never takes responsibility for anything. She apologizes to anyone and badmouths them when they leave. I am a hard working student, who always works hard to behave right, but she breaks the rules and the teachers never get mad at her. But when it comes to me, if I do it I get in trouble! And she takes her gift for granted, and doesn’t even try to behave. I want to remain friends, but she’s making it really hard!!! Help? Please??!!

Also, my BFF always leaves me behind to hang with other friends. Today she came over my house for a hour till she got a call from another one of her friends and automatically left to go to her house. I tried in the past to stop being friends with her, but somehow we always made up. But this always happens no matter how many times I explain it to her. I tried hanging out with other friends but my neighbors don’t like me, and I have no one close by to go to. My parents are always too busy to drive me anywhere. And she gets to literally go to another friend’s house or party every day and ends up leaving me behind. What do I do?

Rose, 12

Answer: Thanks for sharing, Rose.

Have you ever heard the saying: “Imitation is the greatest form of flattery?” What this basically means is that by your best friend copying you all the time, she is actually jealous of you and wants to be like you. I know this can be annoying as you want to be original and this is difficult when she does everything you do, but perhaps try and look at it in a positive way in that she looks up to you and thinks that you are special.

That being said, I understand how frustrated you are, so I think that you need to make her understand your feelings. You said that she won’t listen to you when you try and talk to her about it, so I suggest writing her a letter or an email explaining your feelings in a sincere and honest way. You should tell her that you care about her and want to be friends with her, but you need her to respect your feelings. Also tell her how hurt you feel when she ditches you to go hang out with other friends. If she ignores your letter or doesn’t care, then the only thing you can do is distance yourself from her. I know you say that you have no friends close by to go to, but perhaps join a club at school or do some other extracurricular activity to meet new friends. Then invite your new friends to a sleepover at your house since your parents are too busy to drive you anywhere.

Don’t let her get you down. I hope this helps.

Pamela

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Question: Ok, in 7th grade I dated this new boy. I really liked him, but so did my friends. I broke up with him because all my friends liked him and were mad at me. Also, people were betting we would break up. He was my first bf. We were gonna kiss that day but I told my friends I might break up with him, but they walked into class doing broken heart signs and he thought they meant it. I never had the courage to tell him. Now I’m in 8th grade. We still don’t talk and I’m still madly in love with him. The problem is he has a gf and really loves her and is already talking about marriage!!! I’m too scared to talk to him. What should I do?

Megan, 13

Answer: Megan, you are a nice person who puts her friends before herself. Your friends were jealous of you so they sabotaged your happiness. I can’t judge them though, because they are very young and I know how hormonal teen girls can be (I was one after all!). I would usually advise girls to put friends before guys, but in this situation I think your friends were wrong and placed unfair pressure on you. I’m sure if he had liked one of them they would have gone for it.

It’s a new year and I assume your friends wouldn’t give you such a hard time so I say follow your heart. He has a girlfriend now and you shouldn’t try break them up, but if you don’t tell him how you feel or at least explain why you ended things, then you might always regret it. My advice would be to write him a short letter or email. Don’t pour your heart out as some time has passed, but let him know what happened and that your feelings are still there. He’s very young so I really doubt he’ll end up married to his current girlfriend. At least if things end between them in the future, he will know how you feel and maybe you’ll have another chance. Good luck!

Pamela

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Question: There’s this guy I had a thing with for about a month after I broke up with my boyfriend. He kept saying how into me he was (he’s really popular and I’m only semi) and he always sent me the sweetest texts telling me how much he wanted this to work out. I didn’t want to trust him but he promised I could. But he kept saying he wasn’t good enough for me, and that it didn’t seem like I liked him, even though I kept telling him I did. And then a couple days ago we kinda had a downfall, but he kept saying he didn’t want to lose me. Then the next day he kept bringing stuff like that up and we decided to sleep on it because we were both confused on what to do about us. And then the next day he just was cold, and he said he was sorry. He clearly decided that our thing was done. Apparently he didn’t think it would work out, but he’s “not sure who he likes.” and he told someone he still likes me, but if he did then he wouldn’t have done that. I don’t talk to him anymore because the last time I talked to him wasn’t pleasant, but I still really like him, I can’t stop thinking about him, and I want him back. what do I do?

Miranda, 15

Answer: Boys, boys, boys, what will we ever do with them? First of all, let me say that I’ve been there! Dating is tough, especially in your teens. This guy is popular and he definitely knows it. He obviously likes attention from girls and likes to play games. Guys often have “lines” they say to let girls down easy, to avoid confrontation, and to not look like bad guys. By him saying that he wasn’t good enough for you and that it didn’t seem like you liked him, even though you stressed to him that you did like him, he was probably trying to end what you had together but wanted to shift the blame onto you and off of him. This is evident by him saying that he wasn’t sure who he liked. I know it hurts, but if he really liked you and wanted to be with you then he wouldn’t have said that.

I know he has sent you mixed messages. I’m going to give you a piece of advice that I had to learn the hard way: look at what a guy does, not what he says. Unless he is making sure that you know he likes you, then “he’s just not that into you.” Don’t worry too much about him or any other guy who doesn’t appreciate you. Wouldn’t you rather have a guy who is positive that he liked you and wanted to be with you? Us girls have so much free time when we don’t have to analyze a guy’s feelings because we just know they’re into us. Trust me, it’s so much better to have a guy who likes you and only you. Besides, by you moving on and showing you’re cool with things being over, it will probably make him become interested in you again because he will want what he can’t have. It’s crazy but true! Good luck.

Pamela

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Question: I got my first boyfriend last year, Jake. We dated for six months. And through this whole relationship I had this friend, Max. Me and Max told each other everything! From my problems with my family to my boyfriend, Jake. He helped me with everything. He was also friends with Jake though, but no matter what, he didn’t say anything to him. I started liking Max while I was in a relationship with Jake. But while this was happening I have this friend, Lily. Lily and Max were talking and both liked each other. Then me and Jake broke up, and Max told me he thought I was cute. Lily found out and got mad at me. I don’t think I did anything wrong, and I still don’t see anything wrong. I couldn’t help it that he thought I was cute or that I liked him. Then by the end of the day Max ended up asking Lily out! I was happy for Lily, but practically depressed. My first boyfriend dumped me and I really liked Max, but he was dating Lily.

Two days later Jake asked me back out. I believe now I only went back out with him because I was so sad about Max and Lily. Max and Lily soon broke up, and the next day me and Jake broke up again. Me and Max started flirting a lot and that kind of stuff. The last day of school he asked me out, and I said yeah, getting Lily pissed at me, but when they went out they hardly knew each other! I introduced them and knew him for like 4 years! I thought it was fair, and still do. We went out for 3 days and then he broke up with me. We still talked and flirted. We actually talked A LOT more then we did before.

Halfway through the summer I got a new boyfriend, Jason. Me and Max stopped talking then, and I tried to start talking to him again, but he like hated me. Jason was my first kiss, and my first real ‘I love you’. We broke up 3 weeks into school.

Max just started talking to me again. I like him soo much. and the day we started talking he told me if he chose anyone to date it’d be me or this other girl, Mary. We were talking again today and he said that he doesn’t like anyone at our school (we go to the same school) but does like someone in general. He knows I like him. I walk to school with him every day. He wasn’t my first boyfriend, but he was my first love. And I’m still in love with Jason. I miss Jason terribly, and like Max soo much. Neither of them like me.

All I have been wanting to do is cry lately, sit in my bedroom and cry. I love them both. I don’t know what to do, I’m at the point with Max that I wanna tell him if all we are ever going to be is friends then I can’t do it any longer. But I can’t. I mean, our friendship is amazing. I cannot let it be ruined again, and I don’t want to say anything to make him ruin it either.

“Desperate,” 12

Answer: Thanks for sharing what you’re going through. I know this whole situation is very tough for you and probably seems like the end of the world, but trust me, it’s not. I get that this is very important to you, but in the grand scheme of your life it is not as important as it seems to you right now. The first thing I want you to do is relax and take a step back. You won’t be able to accomplish anything if you are stressing so much. So try to keep things in perspective.

From reading your question I sense that you are afraid to be single. Every time a guy has broken up with you, you have gotten together with another guy a few days later. Now there’s nothing wrong with having a boyfriend, but at 12 a boyfriend shouldn’t be the focus of your whole life. I want you to understand that you are at a stage in your life when your hormones are starting to kick in and they can sometimes make you feel a bit crazy. But you need to be smart and think about what’s best for you. I know that you still have feelings for Max and Jason, but you think that they don’t like you anymore. Remember that they are also going through what you are, and becoming a teenager is a very confusing time. Teenagers change their mind like the wind, so don’t take anything that has happened too seriously. You never know, you might end up becoming Max’s high school girlfriend or you might date someone else, or you might be single, and that’s okay.

My advice is to not focus so much on your love life at the moment, but focus on school and hobbies. You don’t want to lose your friendship with Max, so be friends with him, even though you have feelings for him. That’s all you can do, because if you push your feelings onto him you will push him away. Besides, it will probably make him interested in you again if he thinks you are fine just being friends. But what you need to do most of all is focus on yourself and finding out who you are, because the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself.

Good luck!

Pamela

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